Mizzouse in da Hizzouse

For Andy Bonner - Thanks for the inspiration
(June 16, 2006)

Mr Smith lived just outside of Sydney in a little hizzouse with his sweet spizzouse. But alas, they were not alone in their hizzouse. A little mizzouse would wake up at night and tippety-tippety-tap around the hizzouse. The noise would rizzouse Mr Smith and his sweet spizzouse, and that made life in the hizzouse miserable.

So Mr. Smith called the pest control company.
"We need to rid our hizzouse of a mizzouse," he said.
"Getting a mizzouse out of a hizzouse is no problem. We have gotten even cizzows out of a hizzouse. Our service wizzows our customers consistently," said the pest control guy.

He came the same day to get the mizzouse out of the hizzouse. He filled the hizzouse with smoke and smells, and when Mr Smith came home, he found his sweet spizzouse had left the hizzouse, unlike the mizzouse.

"Shizzouse!" His sweet spizzouse was livid. "He managed to make fun of my Alison Krizzauss CD, but that lizzouse didn't get the mizzouse out of the hizzouse," the sweet spizzouse complained. "Now I need to dizzouse the hizzouse with air freshener just so we can live in it again! I'll revoke my marriage vizzows if our hizzouse isn't clear of the mizzouse by tomorrow."

Mr Smith didn't want a fight with his sweet spizzouse, so he went for a drive and left his sweet spizzouse to dizzouse the hizzouse. Suddenly he spotted a roadside ad.
"Mizzouse on the loose? Spizzouse on the edge? We can help!" he read.

Mr Smith pulled over and called the number.
"Hi, this is Li'l Lighter Guy," a voice answered.
"I need your help, Li'l Lighter Guy," Mr Smith said. "I've got a mizzouse on the loose and a spizzouse on the edge."
"It's quite simple," said Li'l Lighter Guy. "Do you have a smoke alarm?"
"Yes," said Mr Smith, "we do."
"Then I'll come to your hizzouse to take care of the mizzouse. We'll set your sofa on fire. The firemen will come and dizzouse your hizzouse, and the mizzouse will drown, and the spizzouse won't frown."

Mr Smith drove back to his hizzouse and told his sweet spizzouse of Li'l Lighter Guy's plan. His sweet spizzouse hugged him.
"But just to make sure," she said, "let's turn on the gas stove, too. That'll blow the mizzouse out of the hizzouse."

Soon Li'l Lighter Guy came. He wore a shirt that said "hizzouse wizzouse mizzouse," and in his hands he held a barbecue lighter and a can of lighter fluid.
"Let's see that sofa," he said.

He went into the hizzouse, dizzoused the sofa with lighter fluid, and lit it. Then he left the hizzouse and joined the spizzouses outside.

First, the fire alarm went off. It was loud. Then, the hizzouse exploded. It was louder. Then, the firemen came and dizzoused what was left of the hizzouse until the hizzouse was nothing but a blackened ruin that hissed and crackled merrily.

Mr Smith held the hand of his sweet spizzouse.
"The mizzouse has left the hizzouse," he intoned. "Grizzouse."